My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
