my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
