I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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