I have demons in me.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
3pm strippers are depressing
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
