I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
