I've blown a few things in my day
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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