So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize