It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
