Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
