my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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