Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
