3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
