okay pat passed out under dana's car
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
