We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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