Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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