she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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