Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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