My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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