i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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