note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
