every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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