dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
