bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
