I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
