god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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