so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
