My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
