She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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