Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
