I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
