There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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