i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
