apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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