i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
