The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
