My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
