Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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