I smell stomach acid.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
