How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
