also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
