i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
