Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I checked into jail on foursquare
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
