Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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