He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
