protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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