Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
should my penis look like a turkey
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
