period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
