dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
