im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
