You're so nebulous sometimes
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
