Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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