Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
