Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
