You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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