I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
