you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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