Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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