OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
