I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
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