Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
