How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
