I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
