Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
