I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
